Growth #11 - First Day Jitters

Today was our second first day in the list of many first days to come.  There will be first days of school, first days of camp, first days of driving, of college, the list is extensive.  Today was number two.  They had their first day at their second daycare, and I'm proud to say that I'm growing...slightly.  Those first day jitters weren't nearly as apparent for me last night and this morning as they were right before I dropped them off at their first day ever at daycare a couple months ago. 

There were still jitters.  There was still my incessant need to find the perfect outfits (which for Caleb became the three perfect outfits as the first two were adequately poo'd in) that would stir up emotions of love and adoration from their new teachers.  There were the thoughts of whether they'd have fun, if they'd be held, how they would react. 

As we dropped them off this morning, they both just sort of took it all in.  Caleb gave one of his teacher a half smile as she tickled his belly the first time, and Grace simply sat and watched, no smiles, no frowns, just observation.  I waved frantically at both of them trying to invoke some sort of reaction, a sign that they'd be ok.  Nothing.  Just a glance as we walked out the door backwards.  The door that they only open for first time parents...after today, Mommys aren't allowed inside of that door. They'll be passed back and forth each day over the half door. No more holding them on my lunch break or playing with them on their new playmats.  I'm just an observer.

I stopped in to check on them around 1:15 today. Unfortunately, it was during nap time and the room was dark and my babies were in their cribs in the back, out of my sight.  I could see a little Gracie leg and two big Caleb arms, but no faces.  The staff seemed slightly irritated that I came during nap time, but appeased me with a synopsis of their day thus far.  Two babies screamed in the background as the main teacher had to leave their cribs and the patting and shushing she had been working on so that she could tell me what I wanted to hear.  She was very kind to answer all of my questions and let me know that they both fell asleep for their morning nap without much trouble.  She forgot Grace needed a binky, so a few minutes passed with little Grace in a fuss over being placed in a crib sans sucky-thing.  Caleb fussed for a few minutes as well but fell asleep on his own.  Just before I got there Caleb had fallen asleep almost immediately upon being put down and Grace wasn't far behind him.

I asked about their bottles and apparently they both ate well, including a lunch of sweet potatoes and rice cereal. They did let me know that the two of them were placed in bouncy chairs side by side as one teacher fed them both together.  It brought back memories of being home with them and feeding them in boppies on either side of me.  I asked if they ever used bottle props to ease my fears and to my surprise she said rarely, but sometimes. I proceeded to attempt my hardest to scare the crap out of her about Caleb's tendencies to choke when not monitored. Hopefully that scared her out of the consideration of bottle propping my babies. Sure, I did it once or twice when one baby was in desperate need of a quick burp. I am, however, Mommy and full of crazy mad powers. Plus, there's one of me and two of them...not two teachers with TEN babies.

As I walked away from the room, the two school directors were behind me waiting to usher me out it seemed.  I thanked them profusely for allowing me to come and for dealing with my first-time-mommy jitters.  I teared up as I told them that I worry incessantly and missed them entirely.  They assured me that it was no trouble and that they were as snug as two bugs in a rug.  I didn't like the analogy.

As we showed up to pick up our precious cargo this afternoon, we opened the door to see Caleb naked on the changing table being changed into his third outfit of the day and Grace on her tummy by a playmat swirling around her own spit up with her fingers.  It wasn't exactly topping my list of adorable things to see involving my children.  We pointed out the spit-up playground and one of the teachers joked that at least it was her own.  She then wiped it away from Grace's face and hands with a wet washcloth and wiped up the floor with the same rag.

The other teacher tried desperately to get a shirt on Caleb without having her entire head of hair ripped out by his curious little hands.  I can't for the life of me figure out why each one of the teachers I met today had at least somewhat long hair completely down.  They work with babies all day, don't they? I wouldn't have a hair left on my head if I wore my hair down everyday.

Eventually I offered to help dress Caleb because watching him get more and more upset as she tried to sit him up, lie him down, turn him sideways, and even put him on his stomach to get this shirt on wasn't working for any of us. She declined my help and finally got his arms in those stubborn shirt holes.  It's a good thing I have more than three days experience with those things otherwise I wouldn't know how to do it either...

Ok, so we left. I growled most of the way to the car and then took fourteen deep breaths and let it go.  Our babies were fine.  Sure, Grace got an exciting lesson in the consistency of her regurgitated food and Caleb's arms were bruised from being twisted in five different directions to get one shirt on, but they were completely fine and totally happy when we picked them up.  There will not be a daycare that I like. That's a fact.  There will also not be a public school even remotely adequate for my beautiful children, nor will there be a private or charter school up to snuff.  And please don't get me started on spouses for these children.  God bless the man and woman who find our children to be "the one", times two.  No one, nothing, no where will ever truly be good enough.  Lord, I'm not even good enough for these amazing little lives.  I still find fault in so much that I do for them.  And I've been around at least one of them every single day of their lives.  Every.single.day.  If I can't do things perfectly for them, who could?

So, after about twelve deep breaths I started to see that my vision of daycare #2 was skewed by Mommy goggles.  As was my vision of daycare #1. Those pesky goggles that magnify every flaw. Our babies are going to spit up, vomit, poop, and snot on everything...and they pretty much already have.  That includes themselves.  They're going to have to fall asleep without a binky. They're going to have to figure out how to hold their own bottles. They're going to have to defend themselves one day.

Now, that day is not today. Nor is it tomorrow.  But I'm willing to give this place another shot.  If it truly doesn't work out for our babies' health or for my mommy instinct, then it's a no-go, big money savings or not.  We'll find another option, be it a new daycare or a nanny or something else.  What matters is that I'm on super mommy radar pretty much every minute of their lives, and I've got this place in my focus right now.  I'll let you know how that turns out for us.

Of course, to top off our fun adventure in new daycare today, I had to take Caleb to the doctor due to an alarming two hour coughing bout last night that involved quite a bit of wheezing, gasping for air, and difficulty inhaling.  Ben took last night and it wasn't a good one to own, that's for sure.  Poor guys were up most of the night together.  Daycare also let me know that those three outfit changes were for diarrhea and they needed to know if it was an illness or just teething.  I decided the doctor could help me out with that call.  Unfortunately, he has another ear infection and has to go back on antibiotics (glad I took him to the doctor, had no idea about that- he wasn't tugging on his ear or anything).  The doc thinks the runny nose, cough, watery right eye, and diarrhea are all stemming from the same thing- that ear infection combined with teething.  Apparently it's ok if he goes back to daycare tomorrow, although of course it'd be better if he could stay home (oh, forever?).  But alas, Ben and I are pretty much low on days off at this point and we know that with that little man, we need to save our days for the more extreme cases (hospital visits maybe?).  So he'll be going back to daycare.  I hate that, but if I'm going to have a job, I have to have a job, ya know?

It was sad that I only got about thirty minutes with Grace today after an hour and a half long trip to the doctor's office tonight.  She was so cute when I got home, all full of wrinkly nose smiles and wanting to be held.  She doesn't seem worse for the wear after her experience at this new daycare. Hopefully it turns out to be a good thing and not what I'm leaning toward right now.

On our way to daycare! :)

Gracie at bedtime with Daddy

Go to sleep, baby!