Journal #10 - Guilt

It's not a guilt trip, but more of a guilt journey. And I don't know if it's ever going to end.

Motherhood is no joke, that's for sure.  It's hard work and it comes with a lot of taxing extras.  But with all of the "tasks" that accompany being a mother, I'd say the guilt of it is probably one of the more difficult general aspects.  There's the constant worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty- all very high on the "ouch" factor of being Mommy.  Guilt ranks right up there and it just eats away at me.

I think the last week or so has really given me new insight into how bad it can get.  We've survived some difficult hurdles this past week and we came out on the other hand relatively unscathed.  Scars are remaining, but we're all in pretty good shape and our spirits seem nearly healed.  The guilt, though, hasn't faded like the rest of the damage.

What's surprising me more than anything is that it's not just guilt about what I'm not doing or could have done better for my children.  It's what I'm not doing or could have done better for my life.  My job, my friends, my family, my home.  Everything has taken a back seat to the overwhelming priority of my babies and my husband.  Rightfully so, I'd agree.  But that doesn't seem to cast any shadow of peace when it comes to the guilt I feel for it. 

I'm not all too surprised about my general "Mommy guilt".  Going back to work, leaving them for long periods of time with "strangers", leaving them to be susceptible and seriously prone to illness, stopping breast feeding and pumping so they're not getting all of the antibodies they need or deserve- the list is honestly revolting.  But it's not the length of the list that's truly revolting (which, it's extensive, believe me). It's the fact that after all of the hard work and wonderful effort I have put into ensuring my babies are loved, well cared for, and as healthy as possible, I still can't even come close to forgiving myself, let alone truly escaping the grasp of all of these guilty feelings.

I want perfection for my children.  I want the absolute best.  That's not always possible. Or at least it's not always practical- and that's where the guilt really digs in.  When it IS possible, but yet the practicality of it doesn't warrant it. Who am I to say that "practical" should overtake the "perfect" for my children?

I'm their Mother. That's who.

But unfortunatley, those calming words of confidence seem to drift away in the times I need them most. Like as I'm holding my poor beatiful son, screaming, flailing at the doc band technician trying to get her to just "leave me alone" after what's already been a horrific week of poking and prodding.  Those moments are when I need the quieting and reassuring words of confidence to course through my brain and my veins- "You are his Mother,  you know what's truly right for him, even if it doesn't always feel wonderful in the moment.  You have his best interest, the family's best interest, at heart.  He will be fine, because you.are.Mommy."

Instead, I hold back the tears, cursing at myself for allowing any single human being outside of myself and my husband to get within ten feet of my slowly re-acclimating baby, wondering why I don't have the guts to just run out of there and determine that his head is FINE how it is and that he doesn't NEED anything to make it better. I scream and cry and gnash my teeth, all silently within my spinning head, feeling so out of control and so terribly unworthy of this heavy responsibility. 

This heavy responsibility that I have earned, that I have begged and prayed for.  This heavy responsibility that I am completely capable of bearing. 

Sigh.

Today was a whirlwind.  We spent three hours at the helmet place trying to get a helmet to fit properly onto Caleb's little head.  I can see his flat spots getting worse- I notice them starting to show up in pictures straight on.  I see his ears out of alignment and I remember the neurologist pointing out the area of his brain that was flattened because of his mishapen skull. We sat in that office for three hours waiting for this helmet to finally fit after attempt upon attempt.  They had to take more pictures. Send out requests to the manufacturer for suggestions. Wait for responses and add more material after attempts at taking off material left and right. 

Finally, we were released with a brand new helmet, perfectly wobbly just like before and nearly covering his eyes in the same way it previously was.  Caleb cried almost the entire drive back to daycare.

They were both cute at the office- Grace actually had her first experience with a "ride-on" toy- a little train engine thing with a ball poppy steering wheel and some fun levers and buttons. Ben held her on and pushed her around until she got comfortable enough to nearly hold herself up. Her legs weren't quite long enough to reach the floor, otherwise I'm pretty sure she would have been scooting herself around that office in no time! She was trying with one leg as her toes stretched to reach the floor!

Caleb sat up and played on the table as we waited.  He's getting so good at it now.  He sat for several minutes after daycare today with NO assistance, not even a boppy behind him.  When I look at it, Caleb has pretty consistently reached all of his milestones in the last two weeks before the "cut off" of when he needs to do it.  He may be a procrastinator, but he gets the job done.  Sound like Mommy to anyone out there who knows me? Yeah, that's right.  Good job, buddy!  So when I think about his development, I'm putting bets on he'll be crawling around 11 months and walking around 16 months.  Of course, we're going to start therapy to hopefully help the little procrastinator to bump up on the ol' learning curve. :)

We stayed late at work tonight because we got to work so late after the ridiculous appointment.  When we got to daycare finally, Grace was curled up in the swing, relaxing with her binky, and Caleb was in one of the teacher's arms.  Nicole, one of their teachers, regularly comes over to the room when she's not technically assigned to it just to snatch up Grace or Caleb and hold them for a bit.  I love that. While they may not be the most flexible as far as letting parents come and hold their babies, they sure do show a lot of care to the little ones. 

The babies both fell asleep on the way home so we had to wake them up to get them playing before it was bedtime.  Grace hung out on the floor with Tayla for a while which was really cute but she was having some serious separation anxiety and wanted nothing to do with chilling in baby jail while Ben and I were getting some food or getting out of our work clothes.  So I held her for a long time while I ate a bit.  She's all about wrappers and bags right now, though, so if I don't hand over the goods she gets pretty mad.  Sorry baby, chewing on plastic bags isn't exactly an ok activity. 

Bedtime went a lot more smoothly today, which was nice.  Now I need to get some work done before we can relax and make dinner.  We had an awesome time watching a movie last night- it felt like we were actually "living" after the babies went down rather than just preparing for the next day.  Lovely!!!

The new morning routine for now...pack n play in the bathroom!

Grace is a bit aggressive though, so I don't know how long it will last. :)

Twin Hug!

Hey wait, come back here Grace. I want another hug!

Ok, let's just hold hands.

Haha, tricked you! Now I steal that little blue bow and EAT it!

Grace and her little friend, Tay Tay.

Mom, this cat is staring at me.

Softly, Grace. Be gentle!

Good job, Gracie!

Come back, Cat!

Sitting up! He's doing this new straight right leg thing when he sits up, and sometimes when he lies down, too. It's kinda funny!

Oh man, he LOVES those rings!