Story #20 - Why?

Nine month well-baby visit today. I was so excited to have well babies and not sick babies at the doctor's office!

Unfortunately it ended with more tears from the babies and from Mommy.  For them, it was their Hep B shot. For me, it was just another opportunity to face the struggles head on.  Another opportunity to ask myself "why?". 

Have you ever been in that place? That place of "why?".  It's usually after spending some time thinking about what the future holds or might hold and reflecting on where we really are right now.  It's usually when I see that look in the eye of a doctor.  That look that tells me that we've got a long journey in front of us. 

From our pediatrician, it's a look of unbelievable support.  She's actually been through something very similar with both of her sons.  She understands. We're so lucky for that. But I can see in her eyes that fear- are they coping? Are they ok? Do they really understand?

It just makes me stop and remember that looming, ever-present question- "Why?"

In my heart of hearts, I know the answer.  But sometimes I just want to scream it out into the universe- WHY? And listen to the silence, knowing that sometimes, it's just life. It's messy.  It's painful.  Sometimes I don't want to look for that silver lining amongst the clouds.  I'll come back there, but in this moment, I think about the innocence of my little boy and what he has in front of him and I want to ask it into the ether- "Why?"

The pediatrician couldn't offer us anything today.  She asked the questions that she needed to and we answered with honesty, watching the look of concern grown on her face. His brain MRI showed low white matter volume. Fluid around his brain. A thin corpus callosum. At risk for cererbral palsy. Hypoplasia of the Corpus Callosum. Benign hydrocephalus. He's behind, significantly behind.  It's...a lot.  It's not everything, but it's a lot.

Today I am somber. Tomorrow I will look into the curious eyes of my children and remember that this is what is meant to be, that I am, in fact, the luckiest woman in the world. Tomorrow I will know the answer.



...I love the book end effect of these photos. Look at the first and the last one. :) Jessica took these this morning during play time.