I know everyone is thoroughly enjoying Ben's phenomenal blog posts this month (I hear about it all the time and I love that), and I'm sorry that I'm sneaking in here today- a disappointing break from the blockbuster theme posts from Daddy back to the stream-of-consciousness casual musings of Mommy.
Well, sit back and relax, because I've got a lot to talk about!
At this point, I'm feeling such incredible mixed emotions right now. First, I'm starting to get my sea legs back at work. I'm feeling much more comfortable focusing in on my job, my career. I don't have that constant nagging that I'm missing out on the babies' lives. It's more that I am looking at the great time we have together rather than focusing on the times we don't have together. I'm so grateful that I'm getting over this hump, it was really tough for those first couple of weeks. However, I can't seem to get over the guilt that I don't know as much about my babies as I used to...as I should. I'm having trouble with the fact that someone else is dealing with Caleb's HORRIFIC never-ending diaper rash most of the time, and possibly not dealing with it the right way. I want to manage their days, their meltdowns, their playful times. I want to know how they act, how they respond, and how they feel...and that's really hard to know when I'm just hearing snippets from their teachers or reading off of their daily reports.
Second, I'm so glad that they're doing well with all of the new people they're around all the time. They are really pretty social and seem to be gaining some independence- playing with toys on their mats without the constant need to be held (how they got that constant need to be held as twins...when I could never spend all of my time holding just one of them, I don't know). But on the other hand, I'm terrified when I think about how little they're being held. And I'm just downright tired of how sick they've been since we started them at daycare. I feel SO bad for them, one or both of them constantly have a bug- tummy troubles, a cough, a runny nose, or a rash of some sort. They both have been dealing with some serious bouts of tummy problems recently, and we'll be taking Caleb BACK to the doctor tomorrow due to some concerning blood in his diaper and a cough that's waking him up at night...a lot. Oh, and that diaper rash. Yeah, that's probably the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I've taken him in for it once already and I'll be demanding some more answers tomorrow.
I'm torn. Which, if you've been reading along with us you know, is not a new thing. This is life, we've got our balance we have to find, and we're finding it. I wish the babies were as healthy as they were at home with me. I wish I could see everything they do all day and know all about their moods, their naps, and their meals. But I also really see the value in being back at work, and doing well at it.
On a side note, I've been doing great with making sure I get out of the office on time- again, if you know me you know this is a BIG deal! I set my cut-off time, by 4:05 if I'm not logging off and heading out, we've got a problem. These littles only give me until about 6:30 to snuggle and play, so I make sure I get as much of that time as possible with them. When you take out the time it takes to get out the door, to the daycare, packed up, and all the way home, it's closing in on 4:45 by the time I can actually play with them. Not enough time, but I'm proud of myself for making sure I don't miss out on much of it because of work! Of course, almost every night I'm sitting down to do a little more work, check a few emails...you know. I can't really turn that part of me off all together. But when I'm with our babies, I'm WITH our babies. Period.
Alright, a couple more updates while I'm here. :) I took Caleb to the doctor this morning to be evaluated for a helmet, and of course they think he needs one, badly. However, they sell these things and make a lot of money off of them, so I'm not convinced. I'll be showing the report to our pediatrician tomorrow at his appointment to confirm if he really needs one. The helmet place actually said it's so severe he might need two, one after the other. Looking at the pictures they took, I don't see it. But I'll go along if our pediatrician agrees. But man, those things are expensive!
He was so good at the appointment. He played with the toys they had during the photos so we got some perfect shots of his head...and they're adorable! Honestly, I was so glad that I got a copy...I want to frame one of them it's so cute. He looks like a criminal in a mug shot! He doesn't look at all like a tiny 6 month old!The rest of the appointment he just chilled out with me and played with a couple toys. I had him on his tummy when the therapist came in to review the photos and their recommendations. She ranted and raved about how great it was he plays on his tummy and how his development looks wonderful. She said that it seems like the slant on his head is more from interuterine positioning than anything after birth. He has good neck strength and good mobility. She mentioned that his face isn't affected much by the slant and she thinks that's because of how good we did with tummy time. I was a little proud, even if they say that to everyone. :)
Gracie is awesome at sitting now and is doing great playing with her toys and exploring pretty much anything she can get her hands on. It's awesome to watch her sit up and play with toys, passing them back and forth from one hand to the other (the weirdest things excite me now...). I'm noticing that she's getting a little more attached to me in a way. She isn't completely needy all the time (sometimes...), but it just seems like she wants to hang out with me more. Be carried around, play with my necklace, reach for my mouth, explore the mirror with me...she always wants more of it and is really happy when I play with her! With that comes my new difficulty getting her to go to sleep. When she's in my arms, she wants to play! Tonight, it was so funny, I fed her after her bath and she was so sleepy before I picked her up. When we got home from daycare, she didn't want to play at all, she just leaned on Daddy's chest and took little catnaps (and would get pretty upset if he tried to move her, she was comfortable!). So I thought for sure I'd be able to get her to sleep after her bath. As soon as I picked her up, she went from groggy and almost asleep to incredibly interested in my necklace, my face, my mouth...anything she could get her hands on. She drank her full bottle and then started smiling at me. It was too cute, I couldn't resist. We played for just a bit and then I rocked her in my arms and tried to get her to fall asleep to no avail.
Daddy watched the whole thing in wonder- she falls asleep on him all the time. So when I was still struggling almost 30 minutes later, he grabbed her and a little bit more formula (after he had already put Caleb to bed) and sat with her on the couch. About 3.5 minutes later, Grace was fast asleep in his arms.
I was MAD! ;) Why won't she sleep in my arms anymore? Why does Daddy get all of the cute sleepy Grace cuddles? Then I realized that she just wants to play and smile with me, and I decided I'm ok with that. Of course, Ben gets all kinds of smiles and laughs out of her, too. Lucky Daddy!
On the Mommy front, things are going ok. I've actually had a few days without a doctor's appointment and it feels really good. I'll be going in to talk about my thyroid in a couple of weeks and determine some next steps hopefully. My liver was also evaluated again by a specialist and they think it might all be related to the thyroid, so we're in a wait and see pattern with that one- just need to get the thyroid treated.
I hope everyone else is doing wonderfully! Hopefully you're enjoying Daddy month as much as I am!
 |
| Caleb seemed pretty unhappy after daycare today. He had a rough day with his diaper rash, tummy troubles, and not enough sleep. Definitely needed some good mommy time. |
 |
| Grace was all about the snuggles with Daddy! |
It takes time to find the balance, and as soon as you do, they move the fulcrum and you have to re-adjust! You have done such a terrific job and Ben is such a great daddy. I'm so proud!
ReplyDelete