Mommy Month Day 3 - The War Rages On

It's no easy battle, that war I'm having with myself.  I know all of the sides,; I've replayed them over and over in those heart pounding moments of realization that it's coming fast, too fast.  I'm leaving them in five days. 

I'm not leaving them.  I'm just dropping them off for a few hours. A few short hours away, a few days a week.

They will spend more waking hours with someone else than with me.

They will gain socialization, independence, flexibility...friends.

They will lose that special bond we have, they will forget.

 I watch them smile at me from across the room now, those amazing smiles that make every sleepless night, every twenty minute nap, every colicky scream completely worth it. They know who Mommy is and they seek me out. They look for me...and I won't be there. 

I will find my passion for life outside of my living room again.  I will get up in the morning and take pride in my appearance, work hard to make an impact, learn and grow, talk with other adults.  I will be Amy again, a new Mommy version, but Amy.


These two sides of myself war over some of the most important decisions, feelings, that exist in this world.  Taking care of my children, it's a new definition of importance.

I need to remember that I will still be Mommy.  I will still, and forever, be that one and only Mommy.  Going back to work isn't relinquishing my important role as their caretaker.  It will always be my number one job, aside from my role as a partner to their Father, as Wife.


I took my babies to daycare today. I sat with them for two hours in that tiny room full of screaming children, colorless cribs, plastic high chairs.  I watched them freeze in "newness" and attempt to take it all in, this leap from quiet living room to the flourescent lights of daycare.  I wanted to see how the time passes in this soon-to-be home for my babies.  I wanted to see their reaction.

It was rough.

I need to silence these voices in my head screaming that they deserve better.  There isn't better- everywhere I've gone has led me to a hole in the system, a flawed approach, a lack of perfection. I don't think I'll find that place that makes me feel like they are home. I am home.

So, I kept watching.  A few tramples on Grace's face and one tumble into Caleb and I almost lost it.  But then they smiled.  Not often, and not for long- but they showed me those beautiful smiles that make it all seem worth it.  They are stronger than I think they are. 



The war rages on, but it won't hurt forever.  Promise me it won't hurt forever.

Mommy Nibbles

Nose kiss!!! My favorite!